I have an idea....

Twenty four hours alone seemed like a good idea. I was excited about it. But I've found it terribly draining. Yesterday my brain sang Bohemian Rhapsody non-stop, but today I woke up with David Bowie's Let's Dance.

I hear my father's heart in the brokenness of his words. He knew the words before his brain began to die. He spoke the words before his brain began to die. I hear my father's heart in the skips and starts, the stuttering frustrations of his voice. The voice that scolded and teased, that soothed and laughed, the voice that prayed gentle prayers and loving blessings. I hear my father's heart even when the words don't come. He tries to tell me that he's proud of me, that he's proud of my husband, that I've been a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother. I know this is what he's saying. Because I know my father's heart.

Hello-o? Hey Dad,this is Jane Ellen Oh, you're the one she said would call. Happy Father's Day! What? Oh yeah, I'm a pretty happy dad. .................. Let's see, there was something important about today, I needed to, hmmm. It's Father's Day! Oh yeah, father's day. Yeah I'm pretty happy. ........................................ I wish those people would stop pushing that stuff down into the lake. They think they're feeding the fish, I reckon. (No, Charles, that's scum.) Scum? Well, I guess it is. Why are they putting scum in pond? It grows there. It grows? Yes, Daddy, it grows in the water. ......................... There's a man that fishes down here sometimes. He brings this black man. Maybe they're the ones... Anyhow, he fishes, but I guess that's alright. The neighbors, hehehe, they might get to calling me a nigger-lover. Oh, oh, Dad, that's not a good thing to say. People don't say that anymore! (Charles, shhh, don...

Something I found on another blog: "My LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone." - Thomas Merton from Thoughts in Solitude

that tomorrow I am going to move furniture around. Move those two large bookcases back into the study. No idea what to do with the huge green cabinet. I love that cabinet, but this house doesn't have enough walls to stand it against. I tried to put it into the large open space just inside the door, but it looked awkward with the open stairwell behind it and I could see the unpainted, filthy top. I hate dust. I hate houses without walls. I think a man with no family or furniture designed this house. Just wide open spaces. If I were by myself, I think I'd like that, but there's nowhere to hide the clutter and no closets to put it in. Of course, if my husband could tolerate flat surfaces having anything on them, things would be easier, but.... He thinks our house is cluttered. Geez, he should see our friends houses. They live in their houses. I've told him that we live in every square inch of ours. We have no formal dining or living rooms, no large closets, no attic, no ...