On learning some Southern California friends of mine were moving to the right coast

Here are a few things to remember about moving into a southern state from just about anywhere else:

1. Southerners are proud of being southern. We are proud of our stubborn, do-it-ourselves history and though we may smile and nod when you talk about coming from somewhere else, we are really thinking--you poor thing.

2. Southerners know we do everything the right way. You can do it however you want, but it will always be the wrong way. Ours is the right way.

3. Skin color doesn’t matter. Where you are born, which organizations you belong to, how long you’ve lived here, what schools you attended, what your folks did, what their folks did, what states did all of them live in--these things matter. If you and your grandparents didn’t grow up in the south, none of those things matter much anyway.

4. We recognize the necessity of your moving to our states. We may not like it, but we will tolerate it as long as you don’t try to make us change too much, too soon, too often.

5. Southerners are fiercely loyal which explains why a white woman who hasn’t got a racist breath in her body can still get angry over Sherman burning the south. Women and children weren’t fighting the war, but the war was brought to their doorsteps, white and black, and they were the ones who suffered deprivation and starvation, loss of homes and protection, physical assaults ...see, I still get het up over it. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

6. We go to church, and we expect you to go. Whichever church you want to go to. As long as it meets on Sunday. Or Saturday. We’ve learned to accept Saturday as a church-going day. If you go on Wednesday, too, that’s even better. Tuesday night works. But not Friday. Friday is for football unless it’s springtime, then Friday nights are for youth lock-ins which is also church. Church is good. Church is where you learn to love God, live as a community and take care of one another. Everyone needs to go to church.

7. Be ready for that question: you go to church anywhere?. It will be the third question we ask you. (My name is --------. What’s yours? Where you from? You go to church anywhere?) If you can’t answer it, be ready to be invited to ours. And say thank you, that you will look forward to it even if you don’t plan to go. But we may ask where you were when you don’t show up.

8. We don’t talk funny. You do.

I is pronounced “eye” not oi-ee.

Both is pronounced “bow-th” not “buth”.

Chair is pronounced like it is spelled. “Chay-er” not “churr”

Same goes for there, their, they’re.

We’re is pronounced like a contraction. “We yer” not were. Not “Wuhr going over thur.” Open your jaws when you talk, for heaven’s sake.

9. Courtesy is expected. Put the s’s on your yes’s. Smile. Hold the door for older folks and children. And women. Say please and thank you. Ask someone how they’re doing and wait for the answer. Talk about the weather. Be friendly. Stand back for someone to walk ahead. Courtesy is extended toward everyone. Everyone. Period.

10. Give me a minute. I'll think of it.